So to get to Eterna City, you need to go through Eterna Forest. All I know about Pokéforests is that they’re big, full of bug Pokémon, and one of your characters is going to die.
Calm your tits, though, because I just made a new gal pal.
Hi, I’m Cheryl, and I’m too fucking afraid to go into the forest by myself, but if you let me walk behind you, I’ll keep all your Pokémon in perfect health! Tee hee!
WHY WOULD ANYONE SAY NO TO THAT. FUCK YES YOU CAN COME WITH ME.
However, my love for her stopped when we got into a battle with a Wurmple and a Buneary.
This is a Buneary:
THIS IS A WURMPLE:
WHICH ONE IS CUTER. WHICH ONE DO YOU THINK A STEREOTYPICAL GIRL WOULD LOVE TO CUDDLE WHILE SHE FALLS ASLEEP IN ITS SOFT SHEEPLIKE FUR?!?!?!
…GUESS WHICH ONE CHERYL KILLED IN BATTLE.
CHERYL YOU DUMBASS. FUCK YOU AND YOUR CHANCY.
(I’m sorry, Chancy, I seriously love you)
SO CUTE. ANYWAY, I caught a Wurmple. WOMP WOMP.
All my Pokémon seem to leveling at the same time, which is AWESOME.
And then I was at the end of the forest and Cheryl was like “KTHXBAI BITCH”
ETERNA CITY - HISTORY LIVING!
Shouldn’t it be “Living History”? This is just weird. Maybe the Asian translations didn’t work out so well.
I enter the city and BOOM. This goth chick Cynthia gives me HM01 - CUT. HELLZYEAH. Cut ALL the trees!!
Then I found really cool bikes and was PUMPED AS SHIT. I TOTALLY WANT A BIKE, but why in the goddamn world would they be so expensive? It doesn’t make ANY sense. Obviously I wasn’t going to pay for one because I’ll probably get one as a gift eventually.
I walked to the gym and the dude at the entrance was like,
"HA, there’s a maze. Sucks to suck, bro."
Whatever. It’s fine. GARDENIA, I AM COMING FOR YOU.
I OBVIOUSLY kicked Gardenia’s grassy-ass, Penelope evolved into LUXIOOOOO (READ AS: YU-GI-OHHHH) Not sure why she looks so mad:
I went into WHATEVER building that was, and realized EVERY Grunt in Team Galactic has blue hair. LAME AND AWK.
Luxio just bit everyone’s Pokémon, and then Nancy the Bidoof used Roll-Out on EVERYONE.
Kind of cheated and ran past ALL of the people to Commander Jupiter:
I REALLY HOPE THERE AREN’T SEVEN COMMANDERS. (Mercury, Venus, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune).
Also, it was weird to face Jupiter, because I had a dream about Sailor Venus from Sailor Moon:
I also need to revisit that series because I remember NOTHING from it. #sadface
I beat this Commander, and then…then…NANCY EVOLVED.
A DOO DOOOOOO.
That’s all for Eterna Forest. I don’t even know where I’m going next. Fuck, bros.
All I do is walk into the goddamn place and this weird fucking aroma lady comes and attacks me.
After beating her to a pulp, I CAUGHT A GODDAMN SHINX. YES. NABBED IT.
What a sassy bitch.
Then I meet these twins Liv/Liz, both with PACHIRISUS. UGH. GO HOME, ROGER.
Then I found this poor small baby girl who needs her dad! He’s in the building, but these Team Galactic Grunts won’t let me through to the path.
Team Galactic can suck my dick. LET ME THROUGH!!!!!11!!!!!ONE11!!!!!
At least I CAUGHT A PACHIRISU. Her name is Norah.
I…I have a full party?!?!?! OMIGOD.
Lock yourself in? Yeah, you’re a cool dude. Fuck Team Galactic.
HOW DO I GET IN NOW
Why does Quick Attack not hit two to five times? FUCK. It used to be so much more effective.
After a quick brainstorming session, I came to a conclusion. Ravaged Path? I think I need to use you.
QUICK PHILOSOPHY SESSION.
Does anyone wonder why wild Pokémon attack humans? What provokes them to hate humanity? Is it the fact that we catch them and put them in tiny little balls and boxes, never to see their family/friends again? How long has this been happening? WHERE CAN I READ ABOUT THIS?!?!
In other news, I CAN WALK THROUGH TREES. I didn’t realize that there were paths between trees. SWEEEEEET.
Two bros fighting over honey? WHY IS HONEY SO RELEVANT.
So…I just slathered honey on a tree to catch a Pokémon…cooooool. -_____-
GOT IN THE WINDMILL. Found the key from the honey guy!
I made my way into the building and found Commander Mars.
Coolest looking character so far. I’m loving this space theme.
She sends out a Purugly. In my head, a Purugly should resemble a pug, not a cat.
WHATEVER. Beat Commander Mars, LIKE A BOSS, and reunited the family. SO MUCH FATHER/DAUGHTER LOVE.
WAIT. What’s she blabbering about? What’s this about Balloon pokémon? What?
I leave the town in search of Eterna City and run into a small boy.
WHY DOES THIS CHILD HAVE A PONYTA GIVE IT TO ME
In my head, a Ponyta beats a unicorn every single time. It’s a fucking horse ON FIRE. A FIERY MANE OF FIERCENESS. WHY WOULD YOU WANT A HORSE THAT CAN JOUST WHEN YOU CAN HAVE A HORSE THAT BURNS?!?!?!?!?! [/pyrorant]
Ran into a Shellos…can haz?
YES CAN HAZZZ!!! Success! And I think this is my first legit water Pokémon!!
OMIGOD SHELLOS IS A LAXBRO AND AWESOME
HERMAN IS A FUCKING BOSS. Little slug beats giant Onyx every time.
Time to get to that Eterna City.
Back through Jubilife
I guess I can access GTS or whatever. Wi and Fi are foreign people. WiFi. LOL.
Um, gang fight? …DID I EVEN HAVE AN OPTION TO SAY NO
HAHAA WURMPLE. What a wimpy thing. Bug Pokémon suck balls, bro.
BOOM. ROASTED. BYE GAY-LACTIC FUCKERS.
OMIGOD, WHAT DO YOU WANT, FARMER BROWN
…dress your Pokémon? ARE WE NEOPETS NOW
SHIT, HOW DID I GET INTO A BATTLE WITH A CLOWN FUCK THIS SHIT I WANTED FUN
Double-slap from Mr. Mime? What a bitch.
DIE. FEAR SIMON. FEAR HIM.
SIMON IS EVOLVING WHAT THE HELLLLLLLL
…my baby is a Grotle :’) Just yesterday he learned Razorleaf.
I GOT A TURTWIG MASK.
Now I’m dressing Pokémon? FUCK. I’m so sorry, Nancy.
Time to take a RAVAGED PATH that goes to…
I was busy. And hungry. Mostly hungry. Update soon.
Alright. I stroll into Oreburgh, pretty amped for my first gym battle, BUT OF COURSE ARTHUR IS THERE, THAT NAMBY-PAMBY BITCH. He’s all,
"The gym leader isn’t here and I’m a little fucking pansy and she’s never coming back and I’m gonna be the best!! Oh, and I’m not moving from the entrance of this gym! LOL"
Whatever. I’m really good at wandering around and talking to every pixelated person that ever existed. While I was forcing people with the magic A button to talk to me, they gave me presents, like a Dusk Ball (23) and a Great Ball (2).
After I was done snatching balls (ew), I wandered to the mines, because apparently that’s where Roark the gym leader would be.
Has anyone else read Hunger Games? I’m pretty sure District 12 was based on Oreburgh City, but minus tragic deaths and government coups. #spoilers
ANYWAY, there are fucking Zubats up the wazoo. Fuck Zubats. No one likes those fuckers. If I EVER find anyone who likes Zubats, I will punch them so hard in the jaw that it will smart for a week afterwards.
The mines are SO BORING until I meet this red/fuchsia headed girl miner. I was like, "WOW, Pokémon creators, I’m impressed. You’re finally expanding your gender roles."
She was all,
"ME SMASH ROCKS U WATCH!"
And then she was like,
"You can’t use Rock Smash until you beat the gym leader…which is me…"
OH ROARK YOU CLEVER BASTARD.
She leaves, and I promptly run to the gym to kick her rock ass with my Razor Leaf.
…TEN SECONDS LATER…
B O U L D A H B A D G E ! ! ! !
Come to also find out that Roark is a boy…
BUT HE LOOKS SO EFFEMINATE.
Swear to God the hair was just throwing me off.
WHY DID THEY MAKE HIS HAIR SO MAGENTA-Y?
WHATEVER. I beat him/her/fuck that shit, and then…I had no idea where I was going. I started talking to random people in the town.
"When I run around with my running shoes on, I feel like the center of attention!"
Obviously very informative. FINALLY Arthur shows up and talks about Eterna City (the names in this version get worse and worse and worse). Of course he wants more battling. IF YOU INSIST GETTING YOUR ASS HANDED BACK TO YOU, ARTHUR.
After beating Arthur and assuming that he ran home to his mother, I went through the caves to Oreburgh Gate? Does this count as a new place?
Whatever, let me just catch a new Pokémon, then. Thank God I taught Nancy Rock Smash. That beautiful Bidoof.
With her lovely help, I caught this lovely little beast:
Desmond the Psyduck. I think he’s my spirit animal, as in I am Desmond in human form.
DESMOND x HEATHER = OTP, WHAT A CUTE SHIP, SQUEEEE FANGIRL THINGS
ANYWAY, ran into this crazy bitch on a bike:
"Do you see those bumps on the ground? It feels awesome going over them on a bicycle!"
…do they MEAN to put sexual innuendos in this game? WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL. THAT IS INAPPROPRO.
Then I found Stardust LIKE A BOSS and pocketed it. $$$$$$
Also, I freaked out because the game reacts in real people time, like actually corresponds to when I’m awake. #THEFUTURE
I ran into another Psyduck…AND THAT MOTHERFUCKER KILLED RONAN, MY GEODUDE. HE WAS ONLY A WEE LAD OF A POKEMON. FUCKKKKKK. OH MY FUCK. KILL IT WITH RAZORLEAF.
Death Toll: 2.
After a natural period of mourning, I started back through Jubilife to get to Eterna City or whatever.
RIP RONAN & WINNIFED
u L!v3 4Ev@ iN mAh h3Ar† bBsssszz
m@mmi luVz U! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~
After delivering the map to Arthur, he gives me a map because he had two. Thanks for the town map, Mrs. Arthur’s Mom!!
Side note: Arthur is becoming a douchebag.
I visited the Training School (where apparently the students can only own Abras) and kicked some ass, HAM-style.
Then I wasn’t allowed into the GTS, so STFU, guardian. I’ll be back for you.
Apparently Pokéwatches are cool now, and I have to find THREE FUCKING CLOWNS. WHAT. WHAT. WHY IS THIS RELEVANT.
THIS IS BULLSHIT GIMME POKÉMON
Fuck you, clowns. Time-wasting sons-of-bitches.
I found all the clowns, got a huge ass clock on the bottom screen, and then went into the Pokétch building and met EVERY SINGLE FAMILY MEMBER in the business.
The cool thing was that the maps on the walls were actually functional. Impressive.
The 3-D/2-D design is kind of freaking me out now. o_O
I found a fishing rod by going the wrong direction and went back to the Sandgem Beach. Then I caught a…fucking Magikarp.
OF COURSE I GOT A MAGIKARP THAT LIKES TO RUN AND LIKES DRY FOOD WHAT THE FUCK HOW DO YOU EVEN EXIST.
No matter. It’s not like you’re going to really be battling anyway. #boxlife
I got into a fight with a Starly and ALMOST LOST NANCY. I COULD HEAR THE AMBULANCE. But it’s totally fine. Simon’s all over that shit. Then Simon took down a Shinx. WHAT’S GOOD.
On my way out of town, Arthur found me, and then wanted to fight AGAIN. We’re DEFINITELY rivals. Here I was thinking there could be a love story, but NO. FUCK YOU, BRO.
During our battle, he kept popping in to tell me it’s not over. So awkward.
…then he kept popping back in…
AND THEN CHIMCHAR FUCKING KILLED MY LITTLE WINNIFRED BABY CHILD THAT MONSTER
That’s when Simon kicked his ass while I wiped up my tears. I HATE YOU, CHIMCHAR. HATE YOU.
Now I guess it’s Simon and the Useless Goddamn Fuckers.
I entered a cave to get to Oreburgh City and ZUBATS. I HATE ZUBATS. LEECH LIFE YOUR MOM. Amazingly enough, Nancy pulled it together. I hate her less.
While fighting the different dudes/dudettes in the cave, I came across a Kricketot.
This thing is PRETTY cute
, coming from the girl who considered becoming an etymologyst,but BIDE is a BITCH of a move. He looks like he’s wearing a little emperor’s robe or something. And it’s my favorite color…soooo…I better catch one soon.
Then there was Budew:
It looks like Oddish took some drugs and then tried to clean up real fast.
IN OTHER NEWS, Simon learned Razor Leaf :’) #proudmamastatus
Nancy became my TM/HM slave.
I caught a Geodude in the caves. I named him Ronan. I was hoping I wouldn’t catch a female Geodude, ‘cause how weird is that??
Onto Oreburgh tomorrow. Tonight I catch up on more Young Justice.
Follow my normal tumblr here!
"I’ve been waiting for you!"
…HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WAITING FOR ME, LUCAS? THAT’S SO CREEPY. HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN STANDING THERE? UGH.
So I guess Sandgem (awful name) is pretty cool. A lot of sand.
I meet Prof. Rowan and he let me name my Turtwig.
SIMON MY SWEET DARLING LET ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME.
Then I got my Pokédex!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!11!!!!1!!!!ONE!!!111!
Along with the Pokédex, I get the instructions to fill it up.
"I’m just going to ask you, small child, to go every single place in the world and record every single Pokémon! NBD LOL KBAI!!"
Okay, that’s not what he said, but it’s the basic idea. What immature adults.
Then Lucas gives me the grand tour, showing me the PokéCenter (which is ORANGE. WHAT.) Pretty sure he was hitting on me.
It was here in the Sandgem PokéCenter that I learned that I could run indoors.
I. CAN. RUN. INDOORS.
I CAN DO ALL THE THINGS. Mom gives the worst advice, and the best presents.
What freaks me out the most about PokéCenters is Nurse Joy’s obnoxious speech blurb.
"We hope to see you again!" = "WE HOPE YOUR POKÉMON IS NEAR DEATH AND CLOSE TO MEETING HIS MAKER. SOOOOOON."
Think about it.
…also, IT’S GETTING DARK. DARKNESS IS HAPPENING.
You know what this means…
I’M GONNA FUCKING GET ME AN ESPEON/UMBREON MOTHERFUCKERSSSSSSSS.
Isn’t anyone confused about why you’re allowed to just walk into stranger’s houses and take their things? No one else? Just me?
I’m a seven - thirteen year old child. This is theft. Just throwing that out there.
Rowan tells me to go visit my mom, and so I make my way back to Twinleaf or whatever.
AwkMom is awkward. She doesn’t even give me a map. #YOUAREUSELESS
On my way back to Sandgem, BOOM. CAUGHT A STARLY:
Impetuous and silly girl. I feel like that’s a line from a movie. HMM.
I buy Potions, Antidotes & Parlyz Heals from Sandgem, and then it’s onto Jubilife, but then Lucas stops me. Again.
"Do you know how to catch a Pokémon?"
-_______- DUDE I JUST CAUGHT A STARLY. WHAT DO YOU THINK.
He then catches a Bidoof. NO ONE WANTS A BIDOUCHE, BUDDY. NO ONE.
Then Lucas gives me five Pokéballs, bringing the grand total up to 13 Pokéballs. I will never go hungry again.
I went into a new area, therefore having to catch a new Pokémon!
Guess which one it was??!?!?!
FUCK YOU, BIDOUCHE. FUCK YOU.
Finally I start getting into some battles with Youngsters and Lasses. All I have to say is that I’m happy those Lasses got longer skirts. PHEW.
And the adventure begins. First off, this dumb asshole Professor Rowan shows up. YOU, SIR, ARE NO PROFESSOR OAK. GO HOME, POSER.
He obviously has the same sight problem and is all
"Are you a BOY or a GIRL?" "What’s your name?"
And I was like *GRUMBLE GRUMBLE GIRL GRUMBLE* I decided to go with Louisa instead of my real name because Louisa is sooo pretty.
THEN. THEN THIS MOTHERFUCKER SHOWS UP:
I HAVE A FRIEND?!?!?! So much more baggage then necessary…and what’s up with his hair? Whatever. I guess it’s better than having a rival. I named him Arthur. Arthur and Louisa. That sounds so cute.
Anyway, I start up in my house (normal) with my mom (normal) who has crazy blue hair (not normal). She has no maternal instinct (normal) and tells me that my friend Arthur is looking for me (normal). She also pulls a dick move and is all,
"Don’t go in the tall grass! I mean, I would let you go into the grass, but there are wild Pokémon and you don’t even OWN your own Pokémon
and you’re a defenseless child, sooooo…#sorryimnotsorry.”
THANKS FOR THE BOOST OF CONFIDENCE, MOM.
Alright. So I walk out of the house to Arthur’s, and then he THUDS into me, tries to FINE me, and then makes me want to punch him by saying that we need to leave but then runs back into his house. Squirrelly motherfucker.
We finally get to the lake, and then run into this dude named Lucas and Professor Rowan. They leave this suitcase in the tall grass, and then Arthur’s like, “I WANT TO SEE IT!” and runs into the grass. Dipshit.
OF COURSE we get attacked by bird Pokémon. BIRD POKÉMON ARE SO OBNOXIOUS.
So. The big question arises:
Let’s see. There’s Turtwig, Chimchar & Piplup.
Now normally I’m a fire girl, and would choose Chimchar. However, THIS TIME WE GOIN’ H•A•M. Fuck your fire, fuck your penguin water-type, LET’S GO WITH TURTWIG.
Yeah, I get it. Turtwig is a grass type, making him pretty vulnerable, and he’s not the cutest starter, but YOU KNOW WHAT?
I love him already. AND he took down a Bidoof.
WHAT A STUPID LOOKING POKÉMON.
Turtwig, this is the start of a beautiful friendship.
After completely fucking myself over by deleting my almost complete Leaf Green game, I decided it was time to start something new. I immediately downloaded a DS emulator and got cracking downloading Pokémon Pearl. I’m more of a pearl girl than a diamond diva, anyway.
I read this
for a ridiculous amount of time and finished it and was like “THIS IS THE GREATEST PIECE OF LI-TRI-CHURR EVER WRITTEN”and became inspired to do it the hard way. That’s right…HARD MODE. This is how Nuzlocke does it:
1. He could only capture the first Pokemon he encountered in each new area.
2. If a Pokemon fainted he would consider it dead and release it.
Yeah, I basically cheated in Leaf Green by flamethrowing everything with my über strong Charizard, but WHATEVER. Time to upgrade. WE CAN DO IT. </obama>